Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - islam - tsunami

Resident Evil: Extinction

Den 9. november kommer Resident Evil i biograferne her i Danmark. Det bliver et brag af en film, for alle der bryder sig om masser af vold og masser af zombies og masser af urealistiske effekter i det hele taget. Andre bør nok holde sig på afstand: Se trailer. Du har mulighed for at spille et resident evil spil online, men det kræver 2GHZ eller G5 processor, samt 1.5 GB RAM. Undertegnede falder ikke i denne kategori...
Resident Evil Extinction

Recovering thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - cow&man - mass

Spis chokolade?

Maltesers er tilsyneladende ikke af den opfattelse at deres lækre chocolade kugler skal spises, i hvert fald ikke på almindelig vis: Har du lidt pigesjov eller andet tant og fjas optaget på mobilen, som viser hvad man kan bruge de små sprøde kugler til, så send dem ind og deltag i konkurrencen om en rejse til New York. Lidt Light Humor er det eneste der kræves.

Great Moments in Physics

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - taliban - terror

Sport for sande kendere

Fodbold, håndbold og ishockeybold. Der er så meget kvinder ikke forstår. Næh enhver ved vel at de som kender mest til enhver sportsgren - er dem som kigger på. Hvem af os har ikke har ikke sagt: hvorfor i abens baggrotte gjorde han ikke sådan her? (mens man forbereder monologen, der skal forklare at det var lige netop hans skyld at man ikke vandt på oddset idag, OG man da selv havde haft et langt større overblik i situationen). Her er morskab for de "rigtig kloge":

www.derersaamegetkvinderikkeforstaar.dk

courtroom

Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

Attorney: No more questions.

Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - cambodia - egypt

Coke Zero . dk

real taste - zero sugar - no sh-t
Jep. Egentlig skulle jeg ind på cokezero.dk for at lave lidt skæg med reklamen "life as it should be". Jeg synes imidlertid at det er en anelse kedeligt, hvorfor jeg lige så mig omkring på deres hjemmeside. Der er nogle superfede reklamer, hvor de med skjult kamera går til advokater for at coke skal sagsøge coke zero for plagiat_smag. se dem ;)

Coke zero

A PEACEFUL EVENING

(names belongs to cats)

Have you ever been knocked out by a cat ? This happened (nearly) to me yesterday evening. I peacefully watched a murder at TV and suddenly heard a long awful complain behind me which came out of the depth of Arthur's chest. He had spotted his enemy the black cat with the big head who had dared to enter the living room !

Before I could turn my head to see what happened and eventually get up and chase the intruder away, I got a hit on my head, the TV switched off alone, I heard water splashing on the ground and saw 3 shadows disappearing in all directions.

I gathered my spirits and rubbed my head and then saw what all had happened in one second. Pookie, who napped on the sofa back behind me, had jumped on my head, and catapulted herself by putting a paw on my nose somewhere into the living room.

Kim who was peacefully sleeping on the dining table had got up and kicked over the vase which was full of water. Arthur who was watching his enemy from a chair under the table had knocked it down and was invisible. Only Lisa hadn't attented this event.

Our living room looked like a battle field. The vase lay just at the border of the table. A big puddle had formed on the floor, two chairs were also laying down. The remote control had disappeared, I found it later under the sofa and I sat dazzeled there and wondered what had happened to my head, nose and me in general.

Mr. Gattino took the events in his hands. First he sweared, chased the black intruder outside, stepped in the puddle and got wet feet (which increased his vocabulary) He picked up the flowers, throw them in the vase (I had to arrange it later) picked up the chairs and comforted his little Arthur who sat there with huge eyes transformed into a pillar of ice.

Today the carpet is still wet, but the cats are fine.

Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - tsunami - china

Sony Ericsson, W580i

Sony Ericsson, W580i, er nyeste(lige p.t) telefon på markedet, og er lidt specielt, da den er en "walkman mobiltelefon", hvilket vil sige at den leverer fuldt ud lige så god lyd, som andre musik apparater. Skal du have skiftet nummer i en fart? ryst telefonen en gang, og "shake control" vælger et tilfældigt nummer fra afspilningslisten ;)

Sony Ericsson w580i

The Day Walls Spoke?

I was walking home from class one day, or rather, one night, for the sun had set a long time before. I shivered and zipped my coat up as a cold wind whipped around the corner of the history building. I wished for summer, or at least early fall.
Stopping at the corner of Main Street I waited for a brief pause in the oncoming headlights then walked across. On the other side I stopped and pondered, for I had two options. I could walk down Main Street and take the way which was longer but had street lights, or I could take the short way, which had no lights. I decided to take the short way, partly because it was as we all know shorter, but also because I knew every bump and bush on it.
Proceeding down this dark road I was blinded by the cars, but this was no concern to me. I just stepped a few feet off the pavement and onto the lawns. This strategy worked well until I came to the top of a hill, where there were no lawns. In fact, there was nothing at all. The side of the road was a steep bank with lots of bushes. Usually I would have walked in the road at this point, but it was dark and the cars would be coming over the hill with too little time to see me. I decided to cross the road and walk on the other side. This was not much of an improvement; it was the same steep bank, only without the bushes. Finding I couldn’t walk on this incline, I climbed to the top of it where there was a stone wall. It was in many respects a normal stone wall, except it had been built with flat rocks. Walking along the wall, I soon passed the place where the road was so dangerous. I looked down to jump off the wall, and saw that it was only about 8 inches high, an easy step. I stepped off the wall, and into 2 feet of leaves.
I fell, hopelessly trying to regain my balance and wondering how the ground had so inexplicably given way, for ground is not in the habit of doing so. I said I fell, but that would be a lie. My 30 pound backpack and I fell, but my knee didn’t. It decided to stop and have a short conversation with the wall. The knee and the wall conversed thus, and came to the conclusion that the encounter was painful. The knee decided that this was important information, and wouldn’t the brain like to know? The brain said that no, it wished this information had not been given to it, but now that this error had been made perhaps the best course of action was to call the wall a pile of cow dung. This accomplished little, so the brain called the backpack a pile of cow dung. The backpack responded that it was merely an innocent bystander, and could the brain tell the body to get off, for it was squishing the $200 TI 84 calculator. The toes asked what all the noise was about, and why was the knee being such a wimp? The knee told the toes to shut up and get a life. The brain asked the right knee why it was always running into things, to which the knee responded it was the brain’s job to watch where it was going. The brain said it was the eye’s job, and the eyes said they didn’t want to get involved. The knee said it was time for a change in management, and the butt volunteered. The kidney said something, but no one could make out what it said except for the liver, who collapsed into convulsive laughter until the heart told it to shut up. The brain was silent, so the mouth decided to take matters into its own hands. Calling everything within earshot a stinking pile of cow dung, it voiced the general opinion of everyone involved.
Having thus driven itself more insane than it already was, my body struggled, got up, made sure the TI 84 and the knee were both in one piece, and hobbled home. My knee insisted in swelling up and becoming quite painful.
I think I’ll fire it.


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - dark matter - islam

Masterseek

Masterseek.com is the larget business2business seach engine in the world.
Here you can acknowledge information and contact details from more than 45 million companies from all over the world, located in 75 countries. You can search for a given type of company within any range: locally, regionally or globally. Try it out and find what you seek.

masterseek

Nappy Trails to You

Me and a bunch of friends were throwing a party down in my woods like we did every weekend. Well I made my way down to the party and by the time I got there, my friend was already throwing up next to the fire just about passed out in a chair. Well we kept the party going drinking and whatever when the cops came. Well by this time he's passed out. We can't leave him behind so we pick him up, run thru the trails and up a hill with him, and end up having to break into his house thru a window and carry him upstairs into his bed without his parents waking up. Til this day, he still remembers none of this and hasn't drank heavily since.


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - terror - cat&kid

Bloggerwave.com

Bloggerwave.com is a new company where you can earn money with your blog. Bloggerwave.com actually pays you usd $10 for writing about their concept in your blog and putting their link in the article. Of course you can only write the article once in your blog but they deliver offers from all sorts of companies looking for a new way to advertise for their products. Offers will vary in numbers, prices and demands. Very easy pocketchange.

Bloggerwave

Einstein's Chauffer!

This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.

After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"

"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"

And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.

Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - cambodia - taliban

A Man and His Dog !

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - china - egypt

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - islam - tsunami

drunken story

So many years ago, I went to a New Year's Eve party at a friend of mine's house.

You might say that I wasn't "of legal age" to be drinking.

You also might say, that I was "drunk."

Or you might say, I was "shitfaced."

So anyway, after I almost killed Dave's little brother in a game of touch football, we went in a drank some more. At this point my memory is a bit cloudy, but I remember that I wound up outside again, and I was running.

Whether I was running from an actual person or someone I imagined, I have no idea, but I remember that it was important that I get away, and fast.

So I climbed over this 6 foot chain link fence in his back yard. My coordination not being what it should, I fell off the top. When I did, my shoelaces caught in the spurs at the top of the fence. Apparently I tied them really well that day, because they stayed tied, and I stayed stuck.

After a couple minutes of trying to get free, I gave up, my shoelaces were permanantly bonded to the fence, and I was hanging upside down. I leaned back, let my arms rest on the cool grass, and closed my eyes - just for a moment - to gather my thoughts and formulate a plan of escape.

No, calling for help did not occur to me, nor did pulling my feet out of my shoes. Did you miss the part where I was shitfaced?

So the next time I opened my eyes, it was morning, and I was markedly less drunk then I was before.

I did a situp, untied my shoes (which turned out to be incredibly easy), and flopped to the ground.

Then I stood up, which I still count as one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made.

Have you ever stood up after hanging upside down for 5 hours? No? I don't recommend it.

I'm pretty sure half my brain exploded that morning, because I felt the worst searing pain of my life in my skull. I dropped back to the ground and just moaned for a while.

After SLOWLY getting back to my feet a couple minutes later, I lurched back into the house, where I woke everyone up thanking them for letting me sleep outside, hanging upside down by my shoes.

Turns out they didn;t care much, they had been shitfaced too.

The morel of the story? If you're going to drink, at least wear velco shoes.


Håndværker - colic-help - skateboard - owned - ion collider