drunken story

So many years ago, I went to a New Year's Eve party at a friend of mine's house.

You might say that I wasn't "of legal age" to be drinking.

You also might say, that I was "drunk."

Or you might say, I was "shitfaced."

So anyway, after I almost killed Dave's little brother in a game of touch football, we went in a drank some more. At this point my memory is a bit cloudy, but I remember that I wound up outside again, and I was running.

Whether I was running from an actual person or someone I imagined, I have no idea, but I remember that it was important that I get away, and fast.

So I climbed over this 6 foot chain link fence in his back yard. My coordination not being what it should, I fell off the top. When I did, my shoelaces caught in the spurs at the top of the fence. Apparently I tied them really well that day, because they stayed tied, and I stayed stuck.

After a couple minutes of trying to get free, I gave up, my shoelaces were permanantly bonded to the fence, and I was hanging upside down. I leaned back, let my arms rest on the cool grass, and closed my eyes - just for a moment - to gather my thoughts and formulate a plan of escape.

No, calling for help did not occur to me, nor did pulling my feet out of my shoes. Did you miss the part where I was shitfaced?

So the next time I opened my eyes, it was morning, and I was markedly less drunk then I was before.

I did a situp, untied my shoes (which turned out to be incredibly easy), and flopped to the ground.

Then I stood up, which I still count as one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made.

Have you ever stood up after hanging upside down for 5 hours? No? I don't recommend it.

I'm pretty sure half my brain exploded that morning, because I felt the worst searing pain of my life in my skull. I dropped back to the ground and just moaned for a while.

After SLOWLY getting back to my feet a couple minutes later, I lurched back into the house, where I woke everyone up thanking them for letting me sleep outside, hanging upside down by my shoes.

Turns out they didn;t care much, they had been shitfaced too.

The morel of the story? If you're going to drink, at least wear velco shoes.


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